Parshat Khukkat
Anger & emotional support
In Essays in Ethics for Parshat Khukkat, Jonathan Sacks writes about anger. What I share below is an edited version of what he says —all quotes are his words.
Moshe gets angry when the Israelites ask him for water, saying “listen you rebels” (in a certain tone of voice probably) and striking the rock instead of speaking to it like Hashem said to. For this, Moshe isn’t allowed entry into Israel (“Because you did not trust in Me enough to honour Me as holy in the sight of the Israelites, you will not bring this community into the land I give them.” (Num. 20:10–12)).
While, Sacks explains that he believes Moshe wasn’t punished because of this, as the Israelites merely needed another leader for that next stage of their journey, Sacks brings in Rambam’s explanation for why Moshe is punished here.
Sacks shares Rambam’s explanation from “Shemoneh Perakim, the “Eight Chapters” that form the preface to his commentary to the Mishna, Tractate Avot, the Ethics of the Fathers”.
Rambam “believed that emotional intelligence exists in striking a balance between excess and deficiency, too much and too little. Too much fear makes me a coward, too little makes me rash and foolhardy, taking unnecessary risks. The middle way is courage. There are, however, two exceptions, says Rambam: pride and anger. Even a little pride (some sages suggested “an eighth of an eighth”) is too much. Likewise even a little anger is wrong.”
“That, says Rambam, is why Moses was punished: because he lost his temper with the people when he said, “Listen, you rebels.” To be sure, there were other occasions on which he lost his temper – or at least looked as if he had. His reaction to the sin of the Golden Calf, which included smashing the tablets, was hardly eirenic or relaxed. But that case was different. The Israelites had committed a sin. God [Gods self] was threatening to destroy the people. Moses had to act decisively and with sufficient force to restore order to a people wildly out of control.”
“Here, though, the people had not sinned. They were thirsty. They needed water. God was not angry with them. Moses’ intemperate reaction was therefore wrong, says Rambam. To be sure, anger is something to which we are all prone. But Moses was a leader, and a leader must be a role model. That is why Moses was punished so heavily for a failure that might have been more lightly punished in someone less exalted.”
“In addition, says Rambam, by losing his temper Moses failed to respect the people and might have demoralised them. Knowing that Moses was God’s emissary, the people might have concluded that if Moses was angry with them, so too was God. Yet they had done no more than ask for water. Giving the people the impression that God was angry with them was a failure to sanctify God’s name. Thus one moment’s anger was sufficient to deprive Moses of the reward surely most precious to him – seeing the culmination of his work by leading the people across the Jordan into the Promised Land.”
What’s so bad about anger? “it causes us to lose control. It activates the most primitive part of the human brain that bypasses the neural circuitry we use when we reflect and choose on rational grounds. While in its grip we lose the ability to step back and judge the possible consequences of our actions. The result is that in a moment of irascibility we can do or say things we may regret for the rest of our lives.”
“For that reason, rules Rambam, there is no “middle way” when it comes to anger. Instead we must avoid it under any circumstance. We must go to the opposite extreme. Even when anger is justified, we must avoid it. [However,] There may be times when it is necessary to look as if we are angry. That is what Moses did when he saw the Israelites worshipping the Golden Calf and broke the tablets of stone. Yet even then, says Rambam, inwardly we should be calm.”
“Anger drives out the positive emotions – forgiveness, compassion, empathy, and sensitivity….The best way of defeating anger is to pause, stop, reflect, refrain, count to ten, and breathe deeply. If necessary, leave the room, go for a walk, meditate, or vent your toxic feelings alone.”
“The moral life is one in which we grapple with anger but never let it win. The verdict of Judaism is simple: either we defeat anger or anger will defeat us.”
In Lessons in Leadership for Parshat Khukkat, Jonathan Sacks writes about the emotional support leaders need. What I share below is an edited version of what he says —all quotes are his words.
As Sacks notes, Moshe has been in this situation before. “After emerging from the Red Sea the people had travelled for three days without finding water. Then they found some, but it was bitter and they complained. God showed Moses how to make the water sweet (Ex. 15:22–26). Arriving at Rephidim, again they found no water and complained. Despairing, Moses said to God, “What am I to do with these people? They are almost ready to stone me.” God patiently instructed Moses as to what to do, and water flowed from the rock (Ex. 17:1–7).”
What makes this time different?
Miriam was dead.
Sacks writes that “This was the first trial [Moshe] had to face as leader of the people without the presence of his sister. Let us recall who Miriam was, for Moses. She was his elder sister, his oldest sibling. She had watched over his fate as he floated down the Nile in a pitched basket. She had the presence of mind, and the audacity, to speak to Pharaoh’s daughter and arrange for the child to be nursed by an Israelite woman, that is, by Moses’ own mother Yokheved. Without Miriam, Moses would have grown up not knowing who he was and to which people he belonged. Miriam is a background presence throughout much of the narrative. We see her leading the women in song at the Red Sea, so it is clear that she, like Aaron, had a leadership role. We gain a sense of how much she meant to Moses when, in an obscure passage, she and Aaron “spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had married, for he had married a Cushite woman” (Num. 12:1). We do not know exactly what the issue was, but we do know that Miriam is smitten with leprosy. Aaron turns helplessly to Moses and asks him to intervene on her behalf, which he does with simple eloquence in the shortest prayer on record – five Hebrew words – “Please, God, heal her now” (Num. 12:13). Moses still cares deeply for her, despite her negative talk.”
Sacks continues, “It is only in Parashat Ḥukkat that we begin to get a full sense of her influence, and this only by implication. For the first time Moses faces a challenge without her, and for the first time Moses loses emotional control in the presence of the people. This is one of the effects of bereavement, and those who have suffered it often say that the loss of a sibling is harder to bear than the loss of a parent. The loss of a parent is part of the natural order of life. The loss of a sibling can be less expected and more profoundly disorienting. And Miriam was no ordinary sibling. Moses owed her his entire relationship with his natural family, as well as his identity as one of the Children of Israel.”
“It is a cliché to say that leadership is a lonely undertaking. But at the same time no leader can truly survive on his or her own. Yitro told Moses this many years earlier. Seeing him leading the people alone he said, “You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone” (Ex. 18:18).”
“Leaders need three kinds of support: (1) allies who will fight alongside them, (2) troops or teams to whom they can delegate, and (3) a soulmate or soulmates to whom they can confide their doubts and fears, who will listen without an agenda other than being a supportive presence, and who will give them the courage, confidence, and sheer resilience to carry on.”
“Miriam was Moses’ “trusted friend,” his confidante, the source of his emotional stability; when she was no longer there, he could not cope with crisis as he had done until then.”
Leaders “need confidants, people who “will tell you what you do not want to hear and cannot hear from anyone else, people in whom you can confide without having your revelations spill back into the work arena.” A confidant cares about you more than about the issues. He or she lifts you when you are low, and gently brings you back to reality when you are in danger of self-congratulation or complacency.”
Leaders “are often intensely vulnerable. They can suffer deeply from doubt and uncertainty. They know that a leader must often make a choice between two evils, and he never knows in advance how a decision will work out. Leaders can be hurt by criticism and the betrayal of people they once considered friends. Because they are leaders, they rarely show any signs of vulnerability in public. They have to project a certainty and confidence they do not feel.”
“Those who are a source of strength to others need their own source of strength. The Torah is explicit in telling us how often for Moses that source of strength was God [Gods self]. But even Moses needed a human friend, and it seems, by implication, that this was Miriam. A leader in her own right, she was also one of her brother’s sources of strength.”
“Even the greatest cannot lead alone.”